AHOY!!

Now then me hearties.

 

Are ye in th’ way o’ knowin’ what a Pirate’s favourite music is?

 

*Ahem*

 

What else could it be but…

 

Aaaaarrrrrrrrr-d rock.

 

*slowly polishing my battered halo*

Be Warned Lads!

Ahoy me lads!  Weigh anchor and set to, we’re leaving port!

 

Aye.  The loon is who ye think it is wavin’ at us from dockside.

 

It’s…

 

The Punny Pirate!!!

 

Did ye hear aboot yon pirate movin’ ptcher?

 

It’s rated, “Arrrrrrrrrrr!”

 

Too late lads, she got us square amidships wi’ her newest turrible pun!!

 

Looks harmless…

Is this the green stuff they keep talking about?

Surfs Up

Hey guess what

Here’s something we can do that won’t get us into trouble..I think…

anyways..

Let’s do some

 SURFING at WAIKIKI

1940’s style

amm

A Must-Sea Movie

One and two and three and SING

Okay…

Let’s hear you sing it now:

It’s All Matt’s fault!!

I must explain this post, it isn’t a One-Eyed Red tale.  It is one of those ‘Pirate Puns’ I have been subjecting my readers to.

The very first ‘Pirate Pun’ was from my brother Matt, every one since then was my ‘work’.

When I subjected Matt to the following pun he almost laughed in spite of himself, then groaned and said, “I’v created a monster, haven’t I?”

Where do pirates buy their spyglasses?

Why, fro’ the Aye Doctor, accourse!!

hehe-He-hehehehehehehe!!!

The Punny Pirate

What is a pirate’s favourite place to go on shore leave?

The Arrrrrrrr-boretumm of course.

Hehehehehehehehehe.

G’Night All

Greeting a New Pirate-to-be

“Welcome aboard!!  Here’s yer bunk, I put the herbs in fer ye this time, next time ye’ll need t’be askin’ me.  But there’ll fresh herbs added every fortnight.”  *lifting my eye-patch, and fanning the area underneath*

“Nay, there’s nowt wrong wi’ my eye, ’tis a trick I learned long ago.  If ye wear a patch on yer weaker eye all o’ th’ time, an’ flip it back as ye’re diving in t’board another vessel, ye’ll already be seein’ in the dark frae th’ eye what is under th’ patch.

“If’n y’see a pirate wi’ a scar under his patch yu c’n know that he doesna pirate any more.  Why?  Accause he hasna th’ vision, it is summat t’do wi’ seein’ th’ deep.  Ye must hae both eyes t’ know hae close ye are t’things around ye.  If ye only hae the one eye, ye canna see that an’ ye might end up in th’ Briny Blue, an’ that is but a wee step frae’ Davvy Jones’ Locker!”

“Let me ask ye a question, how many time hae ye been t’sea afore this?”

“None, how aboot on freshwater climes?”

“None at’all?”

“Do ye know hae t’swim?”

“Holy Neptune’s Trident!!”

“Nay, ye’ve not done aught wrong, I am impressed a’ how quickly yer’ comin’ by yer sealegs. Impressed and more than a wee bit curious as tae yer story.  How in all drops o’ water in th’ocean did ye come t’be on a Pirate Ship?  An’ e’en more…” 

*lowering my voice*  “What the blinkin’ hell is a member o’ th’ Royalty doin’ here??”

“I willna tell anyone, ‘cept fer the Captain.  Why?  ‘Tis her boat we’re sailin’ on, we’d best show her our respect while we’re aboard.  She is strong, courgeous, an’ verra smart, Is our Cap!”

“Noo, back tae th’ last question I asked ye?  Not now lad, when ye’re ready tae tell me, that’ll be soon enow.”

“But… and this is a verra important but.  th’ Cap’n an I will both need tae know who tae tell, should anythin’ happen tae ye.  Accourse we would, there are only freemen aboard The Calabar Felonway.  They may hae been a slave somewhere along their road tae’ here.  Once they board this lady they’re a free man.  The Cap’n’ don’ hold wi’ a man ownin’ another man.  Also, from here on out, Ye’ll be Sea-Legs Pete, ’cause ye’re findin’ ‘em sae fast.” 

“We canna be usin’ ye’re real name at all, nowheres-like. If’n some low pirates was t’hear who ye really are, they’d want tae kidnap ye fer th’ ransom, they would!” 

*laughing heartily* 

“I hae seen enow o’ Courty fold-de-rol t’know th’ dances y’must master.  Ye’re doin’ it wi’oot knowin’ it.  I, mesel’, hae seen ye lift a missin’ handkerchief tae yer nose, near ten times already.  Watch an’ listen, an’ if ye’re no sure o’ somethin’, why ye need only ask me, I’ll nowt steer ye a bad course.”

“Nay, ye jist need tae… disguise it a wee bit.” 

 *demonstrating a variation on the handkerchief motion that blended with the body languages around us*

“If ye keep yer eyes open, there’re more’n a few o’ th’ younger sons what sail wi’ this lady.”

“There was a lad frae th’ Far Eastern climes, he were a younger son an’ were servin wi’ us.  I had asked him who tae write to, an’ he tol’ me.  He also sent a letter to his family t’tell ‘em he were alive an’ where his feet were walkin’ th’deck.”

“It weren’t more’n’ ten months later we put in at home port, an’ there were a talkin’ wire letter what told ‘im his older brother had died in battle, and he was now the eldest son and it were his duty tae go home.”

“When Cap’ heard that, she hooked him up as a passenger wi’ a boat bound fer his home port.  He weren’t wi’ us long, but he learned much while he was here.  I heard frae another ship, what heard it frae a fabric merchant, who was in th’ Princes country; an’ he heard the common folk say wi’ pride that their new King was a good, and just King.  Many went on tae say that they were having the Life O’ Riley under his Kingship.”

“So ye see, Fate will hae some amazin’ twist and turns fer ye, what ye do with it is the measure of a man.”

“Many o’ th’ common men who serve our Lass hae had lives s’turrible that ye wonder how they manage to look another man in th’ eye.  When ye look at their deeds ye’ll see what they done wi’ their share o’ th’ sorrows.”

“Now I’ll stop preachin’-like, but I will ask ye t’ follow me t’ th’ Mess.  Ye canna be a pirate wi’oot yer skin t’drink frae while on duty!!”

“Aye, them as are runnin frae summat at home can be guaranteed t’ fergit summat.  I keep a wee stock o’ things aside fer jist that.  Nay, ye dinnae need t’pay until th’ voyage is done.  By then ye’ll know the worth of it, an’ ye know better what tae pay fer it.”

“Me??  I’m no’ waitin’ t’claim a Throne, or any sort of inheritance.  This is where m’spirit is lad, here on the decks an’ riggin’s o’ th’ Calabar.”

*offering a skin full to bulging with grog*

“I know it isna th’ fine wines ye’re used tae, but come a cold night on watch ye’ll not miss yer wine one whit, and ye’ll mourn t’the Heavens if ye loose yer skin o’ grog.”

“Now off wi’ lad, so’s ye can learn t’be a pirate!”

Chat on the Foredeck

Ahhhhh, so ye wants ta know more aboot me eh?  What would ye be wantin’ t’ know? I have’na’ a thing ta hide.  Let me fill m’ pipe an’ I’ll tell what ye’re wantin’ ta knoo.

Why am I not wed with a house fulla babbees?  An’ what made ye wonder aboot that?  Me?  A fine prize o’ a woman?  Ach, what a laugh ye’re givin’ me!!

I’ve been wed lads, for more’n a few moons, ’twas years and years we tried ta be good ta one another.  Twas sad, truly; we did love, as much as we could, but we were’na’ good for one another.

Aye, just because ye love someone, does’na’ mean ye can own ‘em, like.  I learned that th’ hard way; by lovin’ long after I knew we’d no’ be richt for th’ other.  All that done was make us both miserable, and sully part o’ this life.  The most lovin’ thing I done fer that mon was tae walk away fra’ him, and let ‘im build a new life.

What was wrong wi’ the auld life?  It did’na’ fit ‘im any more, like a snake what has outgrown their skin an’ must shed it ta be comfortable wi’ theirself. 

I was’na’ happy either.  Th’ new lives we been makin’ fer ourselves fit us to a treat.  I am happier on the seas than any place I been.

What aboot th’ mon I wed?  Well, a form o’ th’ Irish Disease took ‘im, but his his Spirit were what the disease took. The Spirit I had loved for nigh onto 20 year were gone, and the new Spirit in ‘im were not what I wished tae be wi’.

I’ll no regret lovin’ him, I canna regret lovin’, ever.  Lovin’ is what brings us closer ta what th’ Gods want us ta be.  Ever’ time we love, our hearts grow some, tae make room fer the love, an’ that room is fer th’ Gods to fill as they will.

Hae I ever loved another man?  Accourse I have, once ye know how tae love, ye must love.  It is summat ye c’n only ken once ye’ know how tae love. 

I love th’ men I love deeply, and love ‘em wisely enow tae not expect them ta’ be dancin’ attendance on me.  I love ‘em best by lettin’ ‘em live the life they find happiness in.

Nay, I am’na’ jokin’.  I canna own a mon any more than I can own th’ wind or th’ sun.

Where ha’ I been?  Why, accourse I been t’ Ireland, an’ France, all over th’ seas, I’ve lived in th’ Colonies… pardon me, th’ United States. 

I been to their mountains, lakes, and deserts.  I’ve lived in great cities, and in the farmlands.  An’ I tell ye true, ever’ place has summat special that is’na’ anywhere else in the wide world.

Nay lads, their deserts are’na’ like th’ Gobi an’ Sahara.  There’re plants, an’ animals a-plenty.  It do rain in th’ desert, just not like ye’ see in places with woods an’ suchlike. 

They ha’ these cactuses all over th’ place, these things what look like a tree trunk with’na’ a leaf or bloom in sight.  Some o’ them are tall as a tree, with a hide what feels like leather and spines sharp as a Devilfish all over ‘em. 

But, if’n’ ye’re out in th’ desert and ye have’no’ water, ye can cut a piece o’ one a’ them an’ suck the juice outta it t’ keep frae dyin’.

I’ve seen things in th’ desert what would scare a man tae an early grave.  There’re Indians what can ride a horse to a treat, they need nae saddle nor bridle.  I hae seen ‘em chargin’ all painted and wild like, ’tis enough to frighten a devil into repentin’. 

An’ these same Indians are sae happy, an’ lovin’ and faithful to their Great Spirit I canna help but respect an’ like them.

I’ve seen snakes what warn ye afore they give ye th’ killin’ bite. I hae seen sheep wi’ nae more coat than a bloomin’ ‘orse.  They,  all o’ em, hae horns, but the rams’ are massive. 

In their season the rams will butt heads like all rams, but they are doin’ this on th’ mountain-tops, noo on solid ground.

I’ve seen horses, gone back t’ bein wild, runnin’ under a full moon, their hooves poundin’ on the hard desert floor.  Their manes ‘n’ tails were flyin’ behind ‘em like spindrift, or high clouds.

I seen a crayture like a lion, but black as death wi’ eyes o’ clear green.  He was huntin’ in th’ mountains, and did’na’ see me, else I would’na’ be tellin’ you aboot it.

There is a bear, what dwarfs all other bears, and his coat shines like silver, the folk  call ‘im a Grizzly Bear.  They tol’ me that he is th’ meanest, smartest, and bravest kind o’ bear ye’ll ever see. 

I took their word for it.  I was’na’ goin’ t’ challenge a bear that stood taller than a mon on a tall horse.

Aye lads, th’ more ye see o’ this world o’ ourn, the more ye know that we are’na’ just an accident like some scientist would want ta make us believe.

What is the most amazin’ thing I ever seen?  ‘Twas a babbee bein’ born, accourse!!  Tae be witness ta that humbles a Spirit, and gives ye a glory at th’ same time.  Ta hear their first breath, and see ‘em lookin’ for their Mam, it surely must be like bein’ in Heaven, an seein’ God, or th’ Gods, whichever ye prefer.

Where do I hang me oilskin betwixt journeys?  There is an Inn in Lemuria what suits me fine, th’ Riversleigh Inn ’tis; pleasant, wi’ good conversation an’ music.  Th’ people what stay there are fine folk; an Enchanteur,  poets, artists, sculptors, dancers, yer ain Captain ha’ been known tae visit, a bard now an’ agin, an’ th’ Wee Folks are there nowadays.  At th’ Riversleigh Inn, my room there is allus waitin’ for me wi’ fresh sheets, soft pillas, an’ a kitchen that has th’ room fer me t’ cook what’e'er I wish.

Oh, ye want ter hear aboot me island?  An’ ye really think I’m goin’ta tell ye easy as that?  Nay, lads, some things are best kept a secret, an’ me island is one o’ ‘em. 

 All I’ll tell ye is that I have s’many books there I had tae build ‘em their ain house!  Aye, I love readin’ that much.

Aye, whilst yer out chasin coold beers an’ loose women, I’m seekin’  books I have’nae read yet.  I knoo many o’ ye think readin’ and learnin’ are fer bluestockin’s an’ perfessers.  Ye’re quite wrong lads. 

When ye’re too auld tae sail what will ye be doin’?  Sittin’ in a bar somewhere, a-swappin’ drinks fer tales o’ the auld days? 

Me, what else?  I’ll be teachin’ the young folk what I think is truly important, the care an’ feedin’ o’ their Spirits.  What else would I be doin’?

Noo, are ye happy wi’ that lads?  M’ pipe has’na’ a thing in it, our grog is drunk up, and ’tis time fer me ta make us an evenin’ meal. 

Ohhhh, aye. ’twill be a goodly feast. We’re roastin a pig on th’ beach, an’ I’ve stuffed in as many greens as what I knew we could eat.  Then I wrapped the whole in a coat o’ clay afore buryin’ it w’ th’ coals we been makin’. 

Aye, there’ll be plenty o’ tatties, and turnips, carrots, and and some fresh bread to set our bellies ta’ rights.

Aye, I knoo our teeth ha’ been gettin’ loose.  ‘Tis ta be expected when we have’na’ fresh fruit or greens.  Why do ye think I stuffed yon pigling wi’ greens? 

An’, I been out pickin’ strawberries ta’ eat wi’ sugar, as well as makin some berry preserve ta use later.